if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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