I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
