the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
