You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
is it fun? or sober?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
