I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
