The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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