cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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