Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
