i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
