Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
