I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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