Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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