party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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