Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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