its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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