I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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