god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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