A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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