what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
