You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
