that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
