Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
