Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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