My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
