chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
