No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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