Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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