Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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