I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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