Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
