He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
