The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
