Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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