New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
