John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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