I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
