my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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