you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
