I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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