pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
