I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize