I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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