my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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