yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have fence marks all over my body
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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