i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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