benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
