My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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