Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm like, not good at living.
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