While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
