my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
