dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This is classic penis vs brain.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
