Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
