drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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