Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
